i am my own gravesite
i see more greys each time my roots grow
and i whisper hello?
i’m not afraid of what they imply
an aging body, a loss of youth
or i am, but also in awe,
that i get to witness
piece by piece
my own return to the earth
s l o w l y
and then all at once
sometimes i break my own heart so that i can feel something, and sometimes i break my own heart so that no one else can break it first
i’ll be 36 this year
i’ve been in my 30s since i was 15
so it’s nothing new really
and i’m wondering what’s going to happen to me
but it’s not the happening, not really
i can take whatever happens when i die
it’s waiting for it to come
it’s what doesn’t come after
it’s not knowing when the last time is the last time
the last breath
the last embrace
the last look
the last craft with them
the last time seeing you
the last fuck
the last time i see his goofy smile
the last time i hear her wheezing laugh
the last deep chat at 3a in my bed
the last time we talk about our grief
who will care for the plants?
i’m not afraid of death
i’m just afraid all of the
time all of the
time all the time the time of all
time all time all time the time the
time all time the of time all of
time time all time all time all time
time is a snake that wraps around my throat
i’m not choking, but at any moment
the snake could choose my lasts
it’s entirely out of my control
i'm still learning tolerance and release
Join host Mel Fielding (they/she) live weekly on Thursday evenings @7:30PM EST for this virtually-based club dedicated to chats and learning about everything from existential dread to death anxiety, from advanced directives to living funeral meditations. You don’t want to miss this one! Screening is required to join.
This poem is written by Mel Fielding (they/she), Yoga to Cope Board Member. Mel is a queer, non-binary, poly, MDD-girlie (non-gendered, cries a lot) in the process of obtaining their Master's in Mental Health Counseling & Wellness. They are super passionate about working with queer, poly, and gender non-conforming individuals to process and heal from trauma (both personal and systemic) and develop new ways of relating in the world. Check out more of their work here.
