‘Tough Women, Tough Stories’ Blog Edition - Parenting and Cancer
This article is written by guest contributing writer Ashley Mays. Find her Instagram @babiesandbreastcancer
Picture shared by Ashley Mays
Today we have a special guest contributing to our blog. You may recognize this beautiful human as we had her on as a guest on YTC’s podcast back at the beginning of September. This woman’s story isn’t easy but her strength is apparent. She is a part of our “Tough Women, Tough Stories” segment, and was kind enough to give us a written version of her verbal account.
This #wellnesswednesday blog focuses on giving insight and advice to any parent combatting cancer. The emotional, physical, spiritual angst, fear, discomfort, and gratitude that is experienced during this journey. She ends the blog with beautiful advice for those in similar shoes. I proudly introduce to you Ashley Mays.
I have wanted to be a mom my entire life. I waited to have a baby until after I finished my bachelor’s degree, got married, and bought a house with my husband. It took us months to get pregnant with our first child. We waited until Luke was four years old to get pregnant with his little brother. We wanted to wait until the timing was perfect; however, we did not know just how perfect the timing would be.
On March 26th, 2020 we gave birth to a perfect baby during a global pandemic. On May 1st I was treated for mastitis. The lump in my breast did not go away with the antibiotics they gave me. After two ultrasounds and a biopsy, I was diagnosed with Stage IIIB Triple Negative Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. A.K.A. Breast Cancer. On May 29th, 2020 our lives were forever changed. We firmly believe that Baby Ford came into our lives just in time to save my life. To make me more aware of my body.
Since that moment, I have become a (temporary) stay at home mom to two little boys simultaneously fighting breast cancer. I had to temporarily walk away from my career as a 1st-grade teacher as well as pause working on a certification to teach English Language Learners. I have to spend the first year of my last baby’s life going through six rounds of chemo, surgery, and countless rounds of radiation. I spend a lot of time questioning if I waited too long to have kids. Will my time with them be limited because of this diagnosis?
Parenting while fighting cancer during a global pandemic is the hardest thing I have ever done. It feels like groundhog day. We basically do the exact same thing every day. I wake up, change the baby’s diaper, feed the baby a bottle, feed the four-year-old breakfast, and watch countless episodes of Doc McStuffins. I am thankful for this time though. When you are living with an aggressive form of breast cancer that has not had as much successful research as other forms of breast cancer, you learn to enjoy every moment. Even if the day-to-day is hard as hell.
On top of the day-to-day being physically hard and exhausting, there is an emotionally exhausting side to cancer while being a parent. My four-year-old and I are very close. I keep imagining myself dying and my four-year-old crying for his Mommy. That is the worst feeling ever. I try not to let my mind go there but it is impossible sometimes. I worry that the baby will have no memories of me. I am pretty confident I will make it through my current diagnosis but the fear of it coming back is there.
So what advice do I have for the parent going through something similar?
Accept the help: Although we are living in a global pandemic right now with a very scary virus, I would not make it through without the help of my parents, cousins, and a few close friends. We have opened our circle just a little bit to people we know are being safe. Without that help, there is no way I would be making it through in one piece right now. We have also received so much help through a meal train from my work and an Amazon wish list that consists of formula, diapers, wipes, etc. People want to help you, its okay to accept it!
Don’t feel guilt: There are days when a nap is needed. I have to let the four-year-old watch more TV than I would like or let him play on his iPad more than he should. However, there are days when I just need to curl up with the baby and take a quick nap while the four-year-old has something safe to do while I rest. Don’t feel guilty for occasionally, having to put yourself first.
Live in the present: Don’t let your mind go to death. Enjoy every moment with your family and kids. When I am in those moments of morbid thinking, I look at my babies and realize how thankful I am to have them in my life. I look at my husband and cry thankful tears. As I am writing this he is doing pre-k work with our son at the kitchen table while keeping the baby calm because I just had chemo yesterday. I am learning to be present in these moments with my husband and sweet boys. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow so live in the present.
Ways to contact or follow Ashley:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/babiesandbreastcancer
Blog: https://babiesandbreastcancer.blogspot.com
"Ashley's Army" Swag: https://www.bonfire.com/store/ashleys-army/
Amazon Wish List: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1X2CMU3BDTW0N?ref_=wl_share